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Despite making the earlier post about not having vices, doesn't mean I've never had anything. My relationship with food has been something of a weird relationship, like you have with a girlfriend that you break up with, then get back, live fast, then break up and rehash until one of you dies. Grim, man. I know. I always felt chubby when I was growing up. I had 60 kilos (9.4 stones, 132 pounds) up until I was 21 or so. You may not think that's much for somebody who's 172 cms (5'8''), but when you see yourself about as fluffy as a goose pillow, you are. So then I went to Uni, I was in my second year when I started this awesome diet known as "not eating for over 25 hours at times." It was hard to maintain, I tell ya. Almost fainting on walls at times, but I obtained the result that I wanted. I was skinny, man. Like proper skinny. Like how they make fun of anorexic girls, only I was a guy and could fit into size 26 trousers. I don't have pictures, but yeah. For video purposes, Like Bale or Fassbender... Okay, not exactly that bad. I still was 49 kilos for 2 days. Then around 50-52 for a year or so, until I settled on 55. I was already in the third year when that happened. I discovered eating in the meantime. Well, another reason for that thing was that I grabbed some depression along the way, which came from me being unable to write as my PC died, and I just couldn't write by hand. I know, funny. You can laugh if you want. And I still struggle to write by hand. To think how people have nothing to eat, and I didn't want to due to not being able to write. Oh, Adrianus Dramaticus, how alive you were. Anyway, I stayed 55 until about January 2015, when I had been in London for 5 months. This is when I started having money for the first time in my life and I bought 10 kilos of peanut butter (of which I ate 5 in one week. Pretty much eating spoonfulls, then working 12 hours a day. The life.) I reached 60 by February, and by the end of the year, full-on depression, I was on 67 or so. I moved out of London in March 2016, to Leeds, and I remember having cool winter coat that I popped a button out from being to overweight for it. I was 70 kilos. Still in depression. Having the worst body I've had in my life. I mean, all I was eating was junk food like crisps and giant portions of hummous for a month or so. Oh, yeah, and my trouser size went to 36. I think that was the signal. Or one of them. The long process of losing weight came, and by January 2017, when I weighed myself for the first time since them, I was around 66, but feeling much better. Size went down to 34. Presently, I worked on it some more, feeling my running and yoga once again, I'm currently at size 31, maybe 30, around 63 kilos probably, enjoying myself. I moved back to London in September 2017, and have only lost or kept myself steady, which is the great thing. My body has changed a lot in 8 years, due to how my depression has affected me, and if there's anything that this has thought me, is that regardless of what you see in other people talking about how they lost weight, you'll only feel like saying "Well, good for you, but that does nothing for me." There has to be a signal in you. There's a motivational video with Les Brown where he's saying "You have to feel like you're sick and tired of being sick and tired." And you do. Otherwise what's the point? You keep growing in size, and then you either go in the hospital, or you need surgery at some point and be on meds for life. Do you actually want that? I didn't want that when I saw my belly looking like it was in the 7th month. Either you change, or you change your environment.
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Oh, no, not another post about how alcohol is bad or good, or causes accidents or any other stuff like that. I'll try not to do that. You can make your own opinion about that through what I'm going to say. Remember, somebody's solace is somebody else's burden. Now, obviously alcohol is bad if you drink a lot of it every day, but then again, Michael Caine used to drink a bottle of vodka for a year and had some blackouts that got him banned from pubs, Lemmy from Motorhead drank a bottle of Jack Daniels a day for over 40 years, man, and Andre the Giant drank 30-some pints of beer when he went out, and that was probably 5 nights a week. Point is, you're dying anyway, might as well enjoy it, like these geezers did. For instance, in Japan and South Korea, more so than in the UK, whenever office people go out for a drink, they turn so messy you start to pity the people getting drunk because they sleep on the ground, park, train stop, looking like someone stole their briefcase but forgot the wallet. One of those sad, yet content with where they landed faces. Alcohol is quite big in Romania, too. We drink a lot whenever we feel like it, and while we got wasted and smashed like the Brits do, we actually eat some snacks in-between downing shots and sniffing whisky flavours, which makes us go for longer. (you can also take it as an euphemism). Personally, alcohol has never done it for me. I drank when I was a kid, going to hip-hop concert, trying to blend in and do what others were doing, interacting with various people, working on knowing faces and names, yet after it was all said and done, on my way home, I was depleted, sad, lonely, and lacked energy. I still kinda feel like that nowadays, depending on where I'm leaving from, with the exception that I don't drink anymore. I tried to document myself in regards to this type of thing, and read that it's an introversion type of activity where you've had enough, with the fact that I've not had enough. I wanted more, just didn't know able-bodies with whom to share it with. So, I quit alcohol at 19, the same year I quit hip-hop (don't worry, I came back this year), and hadn't had alcohol until I moved to London, and shortly after I turned 25, I had it again. It was supposed to be a one-off, however, I kinda carried on seeing as how that was the way things worked here, where you had to drink to mingle with the co-workers, otherwise you weren't invited to hang out anymore. So I did that for a year and a half, to the detriment of my mental and corporal health, and guess what, not many positives. Strange, innit? Trying to join the herd in their doings, and realize that not only it's not for you, but you can't even join them, either, hahaha. Sad... The most common way where alcohol is used is in meeting/parties/get-togethers, and when I was sipping on my brewskies, I was invited. When I stopped, they stopped. Adrian can not be handled when sober, not even in increments. Such is life. I'm in opposite feng-shuy with things that I want, and the main way to get them is by getting drunk. I probably should start pretending and see those invites coming back. Or find other people, who stay hidden, like me. Blimey. I'm a guy that has read about all sorts of ways to get new ideas.
The great thinkers of the past used to walk at least an hour every day, to get new ideas and new ways of doing something. And that makes perfect sense. You're outside, different senses, anything can happen, and your mind is affected by that. Imagine you're struggling to find out what you want to do next in life, or write a story, or how to ask someone out, or even propose. So you go out, walk around a park, sit on the bench, and chill. Only you don't chill. On the way there, you might come across a dog peeing on a deflated tire, some kids giggling because another one tripped, a couple holding hands way too tight, and a girl walking with her head to the ground. You could see all that and some more on the way to that bench, or you might see dead pigeons, a lost cat, mice roaming around, and someone doing a barbecue with freshly fished fish that should not be fished. Depends on your state of mind and perspective. Obviously, other stuff can happen once you sit on the bench, from unwanted people sharing your wooden space, to a frisbee flying near your mullet, to clouds coming just as you arrive. That's only one thing you can do, which I've done. Another thing you can do is to go for a run, or a jog, but something slower paced than what you'd run. What that does is it clears your mind, makes you think faster, and gives you exercise, too. I did a shaky vlog about that. Running and thinking is the modern version of walking to the park, simply due to how we've evolved to have such a fast-paced lifestyle, with way too many things going on in our lives, that it's the natural progression. People do that when they go to work, too. And here's a new one that I experienced recently. The sauna. It's been for a while now, I know, yet I don't always have the time to go to such a thing, more so swim every weekend. But I made time this weekend, and I'm glad I did. I watch UFC once in a while, and before their big PPVs, they release a slew of videos, one a day, up to six for that week, to promote the event and show how their fighters prepare in and out of the fights. In a lot of them, they go to the sauna afterwards. Sure, one reason is that the high steam level can also reduce weight, which is another one of their battle. Anyway, getting back to the sauna here, it is a space where one can relax after a swim, and let the steam absorb their vigor; they recommend up to 10 minutes, and I think I spent about 25 minutes today, and I felt the effects once I left. However, I enjoyed every second of it, probably because I'm a guy that likes stuff like this instead of slow or low-energy things, and not only did I have different ideas, and I potentially saw a guy with six toes on one foot (might've been from the steam), but I had the chance to experience a breathing only through my mouth, which doesn't happen that often. I also came to the conclusion that no matter how calm I am at most times, I still get panicky and annoyed with some shortcomings, which make me take an emotional decision that is most often the wrong one. Yup, sometimes I think I know my body, only for it to blow up in my head and mess with me. I recommend you go to the sauna at least once in your life, if you haven't gone before. It's a great experience. More so if you like hot sweat dripping from above. I mean, it's obvious, right? If you're afraid of something, it's hard to move on. People are afraid to take an airplane, to move to a new country by themselves, to act upon something, to break the mould, to do something that they'd be judged about. All of these cases happen. The last case happens on a daily basis, whether it's about you, someone you know, or a celebrity that's being tailed by paparazzi. Then photos of said celebrities pop up everywhere, and you, or someone you know, judge them in some way. One of the effects of shyness is the fear to act without permission. Yup. "What'll they think if I do this?", "How will it affect my status with them?" And so on. Me going on stage is a sort of escapism from the every day shyness, where I can portray a different persona without being affected by other's thoughts. Sure, it's mildly in the back of my mind, but at the end of the day, I tried something. If you liked it, great. If you didn't, oh well. If that changes our status, then there's something wrong with you. I see in the USA, and to a lesser degree in the UK, how males and females are afraid to come out as being gay or bisexual. Mostly males though. They're afraid of the stigma, of losing sponsorship (if they're famous), pretty much, of being judged. Obviously, there comes the other part. Being judged by whom? In sports, they're being judged by their bosses and colleagues, and some just can't handle that. Fans, most fans at least, are less critical, and encourage said people. In the USA, in particular, there are plenty of men in high positions who are homophobic (among other things), and that only came back to bite them in the ass. Some roughnecks from a state in the USA banned gay businesses, and then they realized that 87% of businesses in said state were by gays. Eggs met faces that day. Judgment doesn't seem to go away anytime soon, but fear should always be prevailed. And that's coming from me, who still has some fear in him. Ah, yes, the passion. I used to watch a lot of football in the past, and play Football Manager (2006 #1) and FM has a penchant of making some players be wonderkids in games, and then you look them up in real life, and most of them don't reach their potential. Whether it's an injury plague, or not being seen by the right people, or making the wrong transfer choice, or simply having their interest in the sport fade, it's sad when your favourite players just go off on a different, less glamorous, tangent. That can be said about real life. Whether you evolve, stagnate, or devolve, everything is a cycle of passion, more or less. Some years ago, when I used to live with my folks, I used to wake up at 4-5 in the morning and go to bed at 9 in evening. You might think that that's crazy, or unsustainable, but I did that for over a year, and enjoyed it a lot. And some time after I did that, I read online about some online coach saying you should do the same thing, so in that aspect, I was ahead of the curb. However, the one mistake that I made back then was to stop evolving. I was doing yoga, running, writing, online courses (mostly about human psychology and biases), with some chill time for video games and films. To me, that sounds fine, apart from one aspect. Financial. Yup. I was broke. Couldn't figure out how to make money online, which was what that online coach guy was doing. Things changed, I moved to London, and everything I had build went away. I know. It sucks, although that lifestyle had done it's course for about 6 months and I was waiting for something new to inject in my life. Now, with my one year challenge, and with one month almost having passed, I feel different. I've started smiling (more than just here and there), I've gained some confidence to chase and pursue certain things, and overall, just feel rejuvenated. It hasn't been easy, although if you've seen my videos, some may seem like that, but trust me, not easy at all. How about you, any flavour in yourselves? What's changed that you wish you were still doing but can't? It's been (almost) a month (minus 5 days) since I challenged myself to change my life in a year.
"When did you do that, Adrian?" Here, and here. I'll tell you what, I did step out of my comfort zone a lot in the past 3.8 years, but this past month has been intriguing, to say the least. Here's what I did: - I started recording vlogs on the streets, first at nights, now during the day, too. And I recorded one with me running (share your running stories in the vid, man). As a shy person with anxiety, that's a hard thing to do. - Usually, with my comedy, I tend to go with the flow of ideas and just wing it, without actually writing/rehearsing/reading my own stuff. Not always the best of things to happen, yet I started recording most of my ideas and I've noticed a big increase in enjoyability. Turns out, the Jamaican lady that told me that in late 2014 was right. But did I heed her words? Nay. - I've come to grips with my fears, the fear of failure, and the fear of letting go. They're not easily fixable, however, one chisel at a time can overcome many obstacles. The fear of letting go is also directly linked to my anxiety and limitation in thought and ideas. - I said that I'd do a music video by the end of the previous month. That was hopeful thinking, because, essentially, I become overwhelmed with other stuff to even attempt something like that. I did a sketch, though. Something that I never tried to do in the past, and I enjoyed it, more so considering it was improvised to the max. - And lastly, I started smiling a little. Now onwards to the next act. Anybody else tried something out of the ordinary this past month? Even before the #metoo movement, there was a lot of talk for women to stand up and fight for the power that was warranted to them, but wasn't allowed to them due to the "evil" men of the world.
I'm not going to pass any judgment on that, however, it's safe to say that white men have become the villains of the world. Well, old white men were the villains, but now it feels like the age bracket has increased. Strange, isn't it? "What does that have to do with the title" you ask. You see, we live in media-filled times, and nearly everyone seems to have a voice, despite a lot of them not adding anything good, or anything at all. There's this particular subject that's not being discussed that much, and that's men's mental health. As a comedian/improviser/actor/author, regardless of when I have depression, I'm included in every group. Seriously though, there are major differences between guys and girls in terms of how they interact. Girls are supportive of one another. If one girl is sad, her friends come along to help her out of it. If a guy is sad, people stay away, and on the occasion that someone asks what he has, they split once they hear the answer. A guy is constantly told to toughen up, man up (erm...) or simply be an emotionless robot. Maybe in a hundred years. Unlike girls, who constantly hug or touch people, guys receive a handshake, or a pat on the back, or a hug once in a while. Once the sentiment of touch secedes, a whole can of worms opens. "How should I act now?", "Do I do this?" "Can I do that?" "Do I have permission for this other thing?" In a world with a plethora of shady information that gets pushed up, like porn, alpha male behaviour, and how being a bad guy gets you laid, males don't really know how to behave. They become emotionally frail, temperamental, and unable to communicate how they'd like. They aren't getting the right information. And who can blame them? It's been said that we are the generation that suffers the most, whether depression, or bipolar, or autism, or any other type of thing, we are the prime ones. But I'm pretty sure they suffered through that in the past, just not documented enough, so we have hiked up numbers. It's also been said that suicide is the biggest killer for men under 50. Yup, not drugs/alcohol/disease, but something mental health related. Shocking, right? We may mock and cheer the crazy cat lady, yet we stay away from the sad lonely guy. Who wants a dark cloud near them, after all? I am still in this side, and I know I'm not the only one. Strange enough, the ones that I've talked to most about this and my emotions have been women. And there's always that final reply "if you need to talk about something, you can talk to me." I'm not saying that the offer is not genuine, but I'm sure it's burdensome when someone keeps coming and saying that something has happened to them and they're frazzled now. Life is weird. Men don't or are afraid to talk about their feelings due to how they're perceived, and it doesn't seem to change any time soon, despite some of us talking about it. Oh, yes, and I see the look in the girl's eyes when I talk about this. Sometimes I wish I was blind. As we all know, things come and go, aka a cycle, and it's only up to you to decide what can stay or go. What you prioritize in life. Although sometimes it's not entirely up to you.
Sometimes it depends on your circumstances, your life choices, your entourage, your mental. They say that you can be anything you want to be, yet despite that, not everybody has the same chances, or the same luck, or the same drive, or the same ambition. We've all read or heard stories of people that have made it, but also of people finishing in second, or worse, not even getting out of the tunnel. With every bit of success comes a little bit of jealousy, envy, and words of negativity. Wait, what does that have to do with the cycle of life? Easy, it's also a cycle. You could make a video or an article or something and be viral, and then be gone forever. A flash in the pan, a one-hit wonder, or worse, a Milli Vanilli. Sometimes you enjoy things that are there, other times you breeze through them thinking they'll be there forever when they won't. I'm guilty of that, too. Guilty of not enjoying some sentiments or feels that I should've enjoyed more. But I've started enjoying the right ones more. What are the right ones depends on each person; to me, it's mostly to do with touch, movement, and feeling. Pretty ambiguous, I know. I am like that at times. Let's be a little less ambiguous though. Here are a couple of things that I've done and I don't do anymore for a variety of reasons or circumstances. I used to write for roughly 10 hours a day, for over a year. Now I barely write for 2 hours a week, if that. And that's mostly for jokes, and the occasional blog post. I studied Japanese and was on it in a big way, yet now I barely know the Hiragana, Katakana, and maybe one Kanji, and a few words. I still do read manga and watch some anime once in a while, though. I used to exercise for 2 hours a day, 6-7 days a week, for the longest of time, yet now it's maybe 5 minutes a day, apart from the seldom 10k run. Some of these changes have happened because I moved to a different country, but some because I let go of myself to process other things, such as alcohol. I quit alcohol when I was 19, started again when I was 25, for almost a year and a half, to fit in. The only positive was that I discovered that when drunk, I could laugh like Ricky Gervais and James Corden. Can barely laugh with a sound otherwise. Oh, the humanity, right? Getting back on track after that laughter, choosing what's important can differ anytime. Relationship, career, job, solitude, people in general, travelling, where you place your energy can affect you greatly in your mental well-being, and that's the one thing you want to have healthy all the time. I have a few things in my life at this point that I know are important, I enjoy and want to do more of, and also things that I would like to get more into that isn't happening due to time constraints. However, I have confidence it'll happen. So far, in terms of stage time, this has been my busiest year, and it's only at the half term. Also, I generally change/adapt/switch something every six months, and I've done of those at least 3 times these past six months. It's been a crazy roller coaster ride filled with strong emotional pathways. Boy, everything sure caught me by surprise and left me there questioning myself more. I know, more ambiguity. All you need to know is that it's about close relationships with some people. Anyway, on to the next six months of strangeness and curiosity. |
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August 2021
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