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Look at that face, at that smile, and at that awkward jump because the trousers were too tight (courtesy of Amar Chundavadra).
Life is funny. In general. At times. And when you don't want it to be. Creativity is like a flame. When it goes away, you're in trouble. And mine went away some months ago. I've been running on fumes even before I went to Edinburgh. And before you go and say "yeah, but people in normal jobs or professions experience that, too," they do, but most people from those categories only consume, not create. Tough pill to swallow, but those are the facts. The hard part about creating is not the creating, but about progression, that if it doesn't come, it can lead to weakened spiritual and mental state. And that happens to a lot of people, regardless if they've made it or not, but it hits harder if you haven't. This post is about nihilism, or what can happen if you've been depressed for a while, apathetic, and stop caring about yourself. You see, I wanted to write something about my trip to Edinburgh, but I couldn't. I was deep in a state of nobody give a fuck-itis. That came about after one stand-up gig in the wrong place that I did in London after I returned from Edinburgh, and after doing a reading of a play that (despite the writers saying it was great) killed me within. I had 2 more London gigs that I enjoyed, and also my own gig that should've made me buoyant, yet it didn't happen. At the start of September I was in Berlin, where I also did some comedy, and while I had fun for the most part, I'm still not in it entirely. How should I put this. Let's say you have an apple, and you take out its core. While that better because you can eat it properly, it will die fast. I'm a peeled, coreless apple at this point. There in the flesh, but devoid of anything. Social media is one big proponent of putting yourself out there, and while I do that, this whole funk state made me unable to do it. Because there is no point. Nihilism reduces everything to zero. Although recently, since the past week or so, I have started sharing stuff on social media again. Like anything in my life, depression comes and goes, but I haven't had nihilism in this form since I was in university, and that happened about seven years ago. It's a strange feeling that I don't know how to handle properly. Other than to take a hiatus from comedy. Long overdue. On the bright side, this month, the last for a while, I had a gig as Eddie Murphy, I'm doing a gig in French (tri-lingual, baby), and another one at a vegan festival. I'm feeling something for these ones. But nothing much for the normal ones. It's not like I was feeling amazing in that period when I did the photo, but I was in good company. Life is weird. Sometimes you grow in your personal life, while misfiring in your professional one, and other times your professional one goes excellent, and your personal one takes a nose dive faster than the Titanic. Mine have been all over the place. Currently, my personal one is better than my professional one, and I'm okay with that. For the time being. Like Arnold said, "I'll be back." I hope.
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AuthorWriting fictional stories or about real life people and situations. Archives
August 2021
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Photos used under Creative Commons from TheDyslexicBook.com, edenpictures, [email protected], jurvetson, vwcampin, elias silveira ilustrador, pom'., Jimmy Benson, EpicTop10.com, MEDIODESCOCIDO, Brett Jordan, amslerPIX, jaypen_g, rockindave1, marcoverch, mripp, marcoverch, Brett Jordan